Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Worst Singles of 2006 Part 3

Avenged Sevenfold - Beast And The Harlot

Now here is a band that sums up everything that makes metal an embarrassing for of music to like. Physically, the resemble a Motley Crue tribute band - all eyeliner and tattoos, and musically they resemble five talentless men.

Everything about the band is packaged to appeal to the 14 year old metal fan. The band have names like Synester Gates, The Rev, Zacky Vengence and Bozo McMetal (I made one of these up. See if you can spot it). Their videos all feature busty women strutting around in their pants whilst the two guitarist lean against each other and extract four thousand note solos played entirely in thirds. For about seven minutes. Oh, and don't forget the obligatory licking of the fret board and tongue waggling. Honestly guys, life is too short for guitar solos. I mean you could have got another verse or two in there.

Actually, scrub that - we should be grateful there are guitar solos otherwise there might be more lyrical content. I present for you the opening verse;

This shining city built of gold, A far cry from innocence
There's more than meets the eye round here look to the waters of the deep,
A city of evil,
There sat a seven-headed beast, Ten horns raised from his head,
Symbolic woman sits on his throne but hatred strips her and leaves her naked, The Beast and the Harlot.

All you need to finish that off is something about goblins and a 'hey-nonny-nonny'. It's like the scribblings of on the geography text book of a thirteen year old dungeons and dragons player. Huh huh naked chicks!!!! Seven headed beasts!!!!1!111! A city built of gold? Well that would be a perfect place to live. Except wait, this city is evil! Like, woah man. And in this city lives a seven headed beast. Oooo-kay. Ten horns raised from his head. So seven headed beast has one head? And if it has seven, how are the ten horns distributed evenly? I suspect that there is no proof reading in the Avenged Sevenfold camp. It almost like they just put any old rubbish down...

Oh and guys, if you're going to write bad lyrics, at least make them rhyme. Try to do something right.

She's a dwelling place for demons, She's a cage for every unclean spirit, Every filthy bird that makes us drink the poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings,
Fallen now is Babylon the Great.

Well, we've all woken up with a girl like that at some point in our lives, eh? I like the use of filthy bird as a lyrical bon-mot. Get a bit of quaint cockneyism in amongst your psuedo-biblical schlock.

Still, it's easy to make fun of a band's lyrics (espcially when they are Avenged Sevenfold). It's even easier to make fun of a record that has absolutely no tune throughout the verses, and then goes into a horrific keychange to for the chorus. It's two songs stuck together isn't it? It's the musical equivalent of that Ford Escort I bought when I was nineteen. And even that made a better sound that Bozo and his crew could ever manage

Leave it to KISS eh? Because they were as ridiculous as you guys are trying to be. But you know what? They were KISS!

No comments:

Read Previous Ramblings